Hockey’s back.

Whether you like it or not.

Well, if you want to get into technicalities, it started on the weekend but how can you take a league seriously when you have your regular season schedule begin before your pre-season schedule end. Besides, the games were in London, England. I mean, who even watched them? Noon is far too early for hockey.

So, there are a few incredibly skewed projections I’ve figured out and these are always fun to bring up because there’s no chance they’ll happen:

Toronto, Carolina and Dallas are all on pace to lose every game this season.

Paul Stasny is on pace to score 246 goals without any assists. Talk about selfish! His line-mate Andrew Brunette is on pace for 246 assists. Who would win the Hart Trophy if that happened?

Not including the Ducks-Kings games in England, 50% of this season’s games will end in overtime while 25% will end in a shootout. Every game will end up with a one-goal difference.

A few players are on pace to finish the season with 164 points. Of them, the players with the most realistic chance of even coming close are Henrik Zetterberg, Saku Koivu while Nik Antropov has already matched Leafs fan’s expectations for the season.

Finally, Trevor Daley, a defenseman on Dallas, is on pace to be the worst defenseman in the history of the NHL. He is heading for a plus/minus rating of -246, which pretty much means that the opposing team is unstoppable when he’s on the ice. Even better, he’s on pace for 82 points, which would mean that his opponents will score 328 goals while he stands on the ice watching.

It’s about 99.99% certain that none of these things will happen, but I can always hope the Leafs go winless and the Avalanche go undefeated, can’t I?